Writing it down…

Today marks 6 months to the day when we found out we were miscarrying. I was 10 weeks and 3 days along and this was not a life event that anyone every plans on happening let alone is ready to deal with. This morning I shared this photo I found on my Instagram account.  

I wish I were brave enough to post it on my Facebook account but I’m trying to respect the privacy that my husband needs. With that said, how can I post this here? Isn’t this a very public space?

The answer is yes, this is VERY public but the way I see it is Facebook post are more advertisements. Post are either seriously stupid accounts of what you ate, did, accomplished. And lets be honest, no one wants to see an advertisement about Miscarriages.

My blog is, in its own way, a journal. Its my own account of where I’ve been, what I’ve accomplished, and how I’ve felt about things in my life. The people who come by to read are those of you I’ve connected with over the years or you are friends and family that are already aware of much of my life. I’m not posting this to advertise, I’m simply writing it down for the sake of my own sanity.

Where I am at mentally 6 months after a miscarriage?

Well, I’ll say one thing when we started trying again 3 months ago I felt ecstatic, hopeful, renewed. It was going to be a new start and of course it was going to happen right away.

Wrong.

We are on month 3. My husband feels defeated. Every day that passes I start to feel defeated too. No one really asks me about how I am doing, besides my best friend. It’s like the big elephant in my life now. I know that my family probably wants to ask me but they don’t know how. Probably out of fear that they think it will hurt me if they bring it up. I spoke with my mom about some of my feelings this past weekend. About wishing we could be pregnant already and how frustrated we are with the process.

It is literally the most frustrating thing. Growing up we are taught in sex-ed how “easy it is to get pregnant”. Ha. They left out a few key factors though. Females are only fertile for 24-36 hours after their egg is released. In one month there are 720 hours/30 days, and you only have 24 hours in the time period to get it done. The other thing, yes, you can some what predict that it will happen on day 14 of that cycle but it doesn’t always happen on that day. And its not something you can see. You can pee on sticks and take your temperature but it’s still not 100%.

So frustrating. And BTW this process will suck any romance that you are trying to have in your marriage right out of the window.

I am told all of the time about how strong I am as a person. How brave I was to move away from family and friends. How well I have adjusted to my new life. I know I am strong, but dammit, sometimes I don’t want to be.

Life is just not fair, Why am I a chosen one? Why are any of us going through this chosen to experience life in this way?  I ask God this a lot. I pray that I will understand the life he has given me. I pray that soon I will have his answer. I pray to continue to be strong. To be patient. To be kind to all of those that I see are pregnant or are announcing their pregnancy's. To be content with the life I have. To be strong for my husband. To be so many things.

I try not to think that in 4 months it will be an entire year that has gone by since we first found out we were pregnant. An entire year.

Time is so precious to me now. We can’t slow it down or rewind it.

Through all of this, there are the good days and the bad. This is just a bad one. I know there will be better days to come.

Thanks for reading. I wish this post were more inspiring. I hope someday it is.

When Life Gives You Lemons 

Part II

Part III

Hope, Love, and Healing after a Miscarriage

Having "The Talk" with Kids that Aren't Your Own

Picture this:

I am a Twenty-One year old student teacher at a rural middle/high school helping a student study for his Plant Identification quiz. I hold up a branch from one of the specimens which happens to be a "White Pine" and ask the young male student, "What is the scientific name for this one". He looks at the branch and looks back at me. I see his face become red and he starts to laugh. Thoughts rush through my head trying to figure out, as fast I can, why he is laughing. I then realize the scientific name for the White Pine is: 

Pinus - Strobus

Fast forward to my second year of teaching Animal Science in a 10th grade classroom and we are discussing live stock anatomy and castration. One of the school goats had just been castrated so I had photos and more to bare. While explaining the process one of my "favorite" students... yes we have favorites, raises her hand and ask," I have a question, but I don't know if it is appropriate?" I always always told my students "No questions are stupid" which was plastered on a poster on the wall behind my desk. I asked her if it is in reference to castration and she says yes so I allow her to ask. 

"Well, in sex ed we are talking about how the male penis releases the sperm... if a goat is castrated will they continue to ... "Ejaculate"? 

With all the maturity that I could muster from within my tiny 5'2 body I simply answer the question as straight as an arrow and move on to the next subject. It took everything in me to not crack a smile, laugh, or dismiss a question that actually was a good question about reproduction in livestock. 

I don't have children, let alone children that are old enough to ask about sex yet, however, my jobs over the past 6 years have always been surrounded by young "hormone" barring sex talking teens. As an Agriculture teacher I had to learn to expect it ALL. By the end of the second year, no subject or question could give me the giggles. 

My current job works with mentoring and helping students complete high school and go onto college so a lot of times Sex gets brought up in conversation. 

"What are road blocks that can keep you from a college education"? 

Answer: Sex

"What advice do you ask your friends about that can help you navigate through middle and high school?"

Answer: Boy, Girls, Relationships... Sex

"Once you go to college and live in a dorm what things might you have conflicts about with you room mates:

Wait for it....

SEX!

I am okay with talking to teens about sex because I feel like if they are brave enough and comfortable enough to ask an adult... and if I happen to be that adult... that I should give them my advice. 

I'm starting to wonder though if their parents would feel the same way? 

Obviously, I tell the students that sex is a very big decision that everyone makes and that they should have the conversation with their parents. I tell them that sex is something extremely special between two people and that at 15 boyfriends and girlfriends seem like the most special people in the world to share that with... but that in a month they might not think that girl or boy is as special. I tell them that abstinence is the best way to not get pregnant. However, If they feel they are grown up enough to make a decision that large then they are also grown up enough to walk into a CVS and buy condoms... they are also grown up enough to have their parents take them to get on birthcontrol... or to even seek out organizations (like Planned Parenthood) that will give them a free exam and birth control. 

We talk about pregnancy and how it can detour their plans of college. I know lots of teen mommy's that are wonderful people and have made great lives for themselves and their children and then again I've seen a lot that haven't... so we talk about situations. 

So let me ask you a sex question, "If you're teen felt comfortable enough with asking another adult about sex how would you like them to go about the conversation"? 

If you have children that aren't of teens yet but you still have an oppinion please give it.

I'm all ears... I'll start biting my nails now. 

Don't forget that I will be hosting a Monthly Blog Hop here starting March 1st! Join in on the daily topics as often as you can! 

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