Writing it down…

Today marks 6 months to the day when we found out we were miscarrying. I was 10 weeks and 3 days along and this was not a life event that anyone every plans on happening let alone is ready to deal with. This morning I shared this photo I found on my Instagram account.  

I wish I were brave enough to post it on my Facebook account but I’m trying to respect the privacy that my husband needs. With that said, how can I post this here? Isn’t this a very public space?

The answer is yes, this is VERY public but the way I see it is Facebook post are more advertisements. Post are either seriously stupid accounts of what you ate, did, accomplished. And lets be honest, no one wants to see an advertisement about Miscarriages.

My blog is, in its own way, a journal. Its my own account of where I’ve been, what I’ve accomplished, and how I’ve felt about things in my life. The people who come by to read are those of you I’ve connected with over the years or you are friends and family that are already aware of much of my life. I’m not posting this to advertise, I’m simply writing it down for the sake of my own sanity.

Where I am at mentally 6 months after a miscarriage?

Well, I’ll say one thing when we started trying again 3 months ago I felt ecstatic, hopeful, renewed. It was going to be a new start and of course it was going to happen right away.

Wrong.

We are on month 3. My husband feels defeated. Every day that passes I start to feel defeated too. No one really asks me about how I am doing, besides my best friend. It’s like the big elephant in my life now. I know that my family probably wants to ask me but they don’t know how. Probably out of fear that they think it will hurt me if they bring it up. I spoke with my mom about some of my feelings this past weekend. About wishing we could be pregnant already and how frustrated we are with the process.

It is literally the most frustrating thing. Growing up we are taught in sex-ed how “easy it is to get pregnant”. Ha. They left out a few key factors though. Females are only fertile for 24-36 hours after their egg is released. In one month there are 720 hours/30 days, and you only have 24 hours in the time period to get it done. The other thing, yes, you can some what predict that it will happen on day 14 of that cycle but it doesn’t always happen on that day. And its not something you can see. You can pee on sticks and take your temperature but it’s still not 100%.

So frustrating. And BTW this process will suck any romance that you are trying to have in your marriage right out of the window.

I am told all of the time about how strong I am as a person. How brave I was to move away from family and friends. How well I have adjusted to my new life. I know I am strong, but dammit, sometimes I don’t want to be.

Life is just not fair, Why am I a chosen one? Why are any of us going through this chosen to experience life in this way?  I ask God this a lot. I pray that I will understand the life he has given me. I pray that soon I will have his answer. I pray to continue to be strong. To be patient. To be kind to all of those that I see are pregnant or are announcing their pregnancy's. To be content with the life I have. To be strong for my husband. To be so many things.

I try not to think that in 4 months it will be an entire year that has gone by since we first found out we were pregnant. An entire year.

Time is so precious to me now. We can’t slow it down or rewind it.

Through all of this, there are the good days and the bad. This is just a bad one. I know there will be better days to come.

Thanks for reading. I wish this post were more inspiring. I hope someday it is.

When Life Gives You Lemons 

Part II

Part III

Hope, Love, and Healing after a Miscarriage