When Life Gives You Lemons

When life gives you lemons… I turned to God.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post since August 6th, 2014 and haven’t been ready. I still am not ready to share this event that has happened in my life but something in me keeps saying to get this out. My husband and I have shared it with close family and some friends but it’s still very much a secret. If you are family and friends and you have somehow ventured into reading this post and are thinking… holy shit what is going on? Please know that it’s not personal… well it’s personal to us and we just weren’t ready for it to be personal to you.

After much reflection I've decided to tell my story of loss because I know there is someone who needs to read this, who may be going through the same thing, and I am so grateful to have had some other ladies share their stories that I needed at a time when I felt so so alone. There are too many brave woman holding it in, I'd like to let it out.

Here I am on August 3rd, 2014.

I am 10 weeks 3 days pregnant and am taking my first pregnancy photos to share with all of you in our amazing and exciting news. I’ve been stock piling pregnancy post to share later after we have made our announcement. So many post about how we found out, how I was feeling week to week, and thoughts and feelings about how I’ve been praying for this moment for almost two years. 10 weeks of reading the development of my baby, starting as a poppy seed... now a prune.

We hadn’t started trying for a family until late this spring so this wasn't the case of infertility. G just wasn’t ready… until now. We are both ready. When we found out in May I was over the moon. Of course I immediately started creating “secret” Pinterest Boards for a nursery, pregnancy photos, baby photos, pregnancy to do.. not to do’s, and so on. My life was moving on as planned and both {G} and I could not wait to share the news with those we loved. We had decided that we would wait until after the first trimester to create an announcement and were busy planning corky photos that would shout to the world, “We are starting our own family”. We had also already picked out names, something we thought we would struggle through but were now very clear on as a couple.

The next day August 4th, I was scheduled for my first appointment with our OB. They were specific though, no test and no ultrasounds until 12 weeks. Only 2 weeks to go, until that first ultrasound when I noticed some spotting. My heart dropped but I had read that this happens to many women and they go onto having a completely healthy pregnancy. Up to this point I was having a very normal pregnancy with ALL of “morning” sickness that we try and avoid. In July, I made it to Washington, DC in the very mist of the worst part of the pregnancy -on a bus with 60 students, wearing seasick bands all without giving my little secret away. Until now everything was by the books. I told G about my concern and that I would call the Dr.’s office first thing to see if there is anything to be concerned about.

I made the call and they asked for me to come in early to get some blood test. Around 10am I went in for lab work and then ventured back down to the receptionist desk asking what was next. Would we keep our prenatal appointment at 1pm? They asked me to take a seat and that their head nurse would be out to speak with me. As I sat there in the waiting room I looked around at the other mommies and future mommies and just had this feeling that something was not okay. The nurse came not to long after and told me that the lab work would tell us if my HcG levels were still high… if they were that would mean that we could later do an ultrasound to look at what was going on inside my body. If they were low… well, that would mean that we would not be completing the ultrasound and would talk about what would be next. She explained that, “These things happen… more then anyone wishes to share and that we just need to wait for the lab results”.

I walked out of the office trying to keep it together, I didn't want to lose it in front of the nurses and other patients. My world was falling apart and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I walked to the car garage and sat in my Jeep and just couldn't hold it in. I sobbed trying to catch my breath, trying to make sense of this all. Everything had been fine, what was going on. As soon as I could catch my breath I tried to pull it together to make the phone call to my husband. I explained that we would need to wait for the test but that’s all I could get out. At this point I figured if I we got called in for an ultrasound that was better than not. It was all I could hold onto, hoping that my pregnancy hormones were still High.

Around noon I received the call from the doctors office, my levels were high enough and they wanted me to come in at 2pm for the ultrasound. I felt relieved and asked if it would be proper for my husband to be there with me. They said absolutely. I texted {G} and he said he would be there. At 1:50pm we both sat there in the same waiting room as I did earlier that day anxiously hoping that everything would be fine.

As they called my name I took a deep breathe, stood tall, and took my first steps into an event that would soon change my life.

(Part II coming soon)

(NOTE) Miscarriages can happen over days & weeks. and during the post-miscarriage stage symptoms can carry on for months. I decided to break up my story into parts because there are so many unknowns that I want to share with you so that in case you have a family member, friend, or god forbid yourself going through this situation you can understand it a little more. I was so naive because "No one talks about it."