{Click here for PART ONE}
Photo taken August 3rd, 2014
August 4th:
As we entered the Ultrasound room the first thing I saw was the large monitor facing the table, then another facing where the technician would be sitting. She was kind to ask us if we would rather not watch from the large monitor.
Thought #1. If my baby is fine this will be our first time seeing them.
Thought #2. If there is something wrong I am going to have to deal with it no matter what.
We decided to watch and right away I knew.
In the “bubble” that would house my baby was nothing. No heart beat… not even a fetus. I looked at {G} as this was happening and held back the tears. The other reason I knew was because there was complete silence. Not a word from the technician and I didn’t have the courage to ask what was obviously staring back at us on the screen. It seemed like eternity. She took photos of the “bubble” and then continued onto each fallopian tube taking even more time with the right side.
When she continued onward I finally broke the silence. “Is there something else wrong that you are looking at?”
“It seems that there is something here on your right side but I’m just not sure, so I’m taking lots of shots of it so that the Doctor can make a judgment.”
When she was done, the lights came on, and she left the room so that I could dress.
As we waited I looked at {G} again and said, “You know there is nothing there.”
We waited…
The nurse then came in and had us go into another room.
We waited again…
Then the doctor came in. He told us what we already knew, that there was no fetus. He explained what we had experienced; a blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) which happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Your body continues to developed and react to the hormones until enough time passes and then the body will start to cleanse itself in the form of a miscarriage.
I just didn’t understand how my body could go on for weeks with the pregnancy signs. The vomiting, the sore chest, the bloating… only to see that all that was now there was a placenta and a small womb.
The doctor explained that most likely this was a chromosomal malformation that occurred and my body “took care of it on its own”.
My next concern was for the “thing” on the right fallopian tube that the technician was so intent on looking at.
“Well, sometimes woman have what’s called and ectopic pregnancy which is when the egg attaches to the wall of the fallopian tube. Your chances of having this occur along with a blighted ovum are 1:1,000,000 but it can happen.”
:::Awesome, not only am I already apart of the 1:5 woman that experience a miscarriage but I now may have this “other” thing:::
I couldn’t take anymore, the tears started coming and once they hit my cheeks it was all I could do to not have a complete breakdown.
{G} gave me some tissues and continued to ask questions so that I could gather my thoughts.
Our next concern was that the next day I was scheduled to take a 3 day trip with 48 students to Dubuque, IA and after that I was to drive to Minneapolis for my Leadership training for another 3.
Questions:
- When will the miscarriage take place?
- How bad can this be?
- Can I miscarry at home or should I go to the hospital?
Answers:
- It could be tonight or it could be 2 weeks from now.
- Many woman between 4-8 weeks who miscarry can do so successfully on their own, from 12 weeks and on we prefer to do a procedure, you are in between that time at 10 weeks and so it could go either way.
- Many woman miscarry at home without needing any type of medical assistance, however, if you lose too much blood you may need to be admitted.
So, basically you can tell me what happens to other women but I need to make this decision on my own?
“Yes.”
Your saying that traveling may not be in my best interest even though we don’t know when this will “go down”?
“Absolutely, if you end up needing the hospital you may not want to do that in Dubuque with 45 students wondering what is happening to you.”
You’re right.
:::So there we sat, {G}, the doctor, and myself:::
They were waiting for my decision. Should they make the appointment with the O.R. to have the procedure done or should I do this on my own at home?
By this time I was emotionally exhausted. Am I really in the state of mind to make such a decision? I was just told that my pregnancy is ending itself and that the past 10 weeks and 2 days of envisioning myself as a Mom was over. It’s was over within the 6 hours from earlier when I had first seen the spotting.
I decided that I was strong enough to go through this at home. I could be just as strong as those other women who I was told had done the same. I wouldn’t travel on the trip I had planned for months and I would miss my leadership training that I so looked forward to but it was the right decision.
As we left the office, I stopped over at the front desk to thanked the secretary for being so helpful that day. I could see it in their eyes though, they knew too.
(G) had come from work so we left in different vehicles. I could see his hurt through his armor and it killed another part inside of my soul.
Between that moment and that evening I had to make lots of calls.
Calls to my work colleagues telling them what was happening and that they would need to take over the trip details. E-mails to my trainers explaining I had a sudden “health emergency” that needed tended to. A call to my mother telling her she would not be a grandparent as we would’ve hoped.
I spent that night crying more than I ever had in my entire life. I can’t do it justice, telling you with words how devastating it is to know that in the next few days I would not be pregnant anymore. What a week. How can you go from complete excitement of getting ready to tell your family and friends that you are expecting to… thoughts about passing a pregnancy that would no longer be?
I deactivated my Facebook account, I couldn’t bear to see another pregnancy announcement or baby photos.
{G} and I talked a lot about our feelings. The key term being: Disappointed.
We went to bed that night with one thought that seemed to be a reoccurrence that we couldn’t wrap our hearts around.
Why us?
(Part III to come…)
Aside from the specifics and added medical issue, I can feel the same emotions you're explaining as I was feeling my own similar emotions during my failed pregnancy. My pregnancy "terminated" as a result of a blighted ovum as well. I chose a D&C though, I didn't have the emotional strength to do it alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's an earth-shaking moment when something like this happens to you. I wish there were more women that would share their experiences like this. It helps us feel not so alone in all of it. Not that it makes it easier...but it's somehow actually affirming that shit just happens. (Pardon my french.)
ReplyDeleteWe had a "missed miscarriage" in 2012. It was devastating. I still cry sometimes about it but it's easier to talk about than have people skirt around the issue and pretend it never happened. Thanks for sharing such a raw, emotional, personal thing Brittany.
I hear you, I made the wrong decision in trying to go through it myself. I would've rather the D&C, I am so sorry that you had to go through this as well.
ReplyDeleteKaty, you are so right. In all of this I have to keep telling myself that exact affirmation, This happens and we will never know why. I'm sorry to hear that you went through this and agree 100% that its been easier to talk about it rather then hide the fact that it did.
ReplyDelete