October 13, 2014

Hope, Love, and Healing After a Miscarriage

Proverbs 31:25

 “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

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You can read Part One, Part Two, and Part III here.

It’s been two months and 8 days since the loss of my first pregnancy. My body, heart, and soul continues down the path of healing. At first I was numb. The complete shock of no longer being pregnant just didn’t make sense. I believe that there are events in our lives such as this one that cause us to make a choice in how we choose to heal. As I said in my first post, When life gave me lemons I turned to God. That night in the hospital I felt God’s love for me, and knew that I was not alone. Since that day {G} and I have attended church on Sundays. I truly find comfort in hearing scripture and often feel as though the pastor is speaking directly to my heart. I will never know why I was in the ratio of woman that suffers from a miscarriage but I have learned from talking about it that there are more of us than we think.

During the past two months I have reflected on my thought process prior to having a miscarriage and what it is now. I believe that some of these thoughts may be helpful for both sides; those who have miscarried and those who have not.

First thought:

I will never again ask an adult, When are you going to start your family.”

It’s a very personal question. On one side, you are basically asking the person when they are going to stop using birth control to conceive a child. On the other side, you are presuming that they haven’t started trying when maybe they have. I use to ask people all of the time and have learned, if they would like to share that with you they will, if not, stop asking.

Second thought:

When you are in conversation don’t bring up age, kids, and getting too old in the same sentence. This is also true when person A is speaking to person B about a person C. Whether it is a direct statement about the person your talking to or an indirect statement it hurts to hear once again that the clock is ticking.

This can also go for people who haven’t miscarried that want kids but haven’t found a spouse yet. Lets stop fixating on everyone else and worry about ourselves.

Third thought:

You can not comfort a person that has miscarried by saying any of the below statements:

“You already have kids so focus on them, isn’t that a blessing in itself?” Why yes, having children is a blessing however that doesn’t negate the fact that I am sad about the loss of this child. (or at least this is what I think… but I don’t have children so I may be wrong)

“You’re young, I’m sure you’ll go onto having twins!” Am I young? Because until five minutes ago you’ve told me I’m getting old and need to get one down the hatch. Besides, I am terrified that when I do try again I will lose that pregnancy as well.

“Wasn’t that months ago, get over it.” I’m not entirely sure that you ever “get over it”. Having a miscarriage has taken away my first ever experience at motherhood. I will NEVER again walk on water like I did that first time I read my pregnancy results. If I do get pregnant, I will worry ever step of the way. I will count down the weeks hoping to make it past the 10 weeks and two days that I had gotten to before. After that I will continue to worry about if it’s time to tell people. I will worry during every little hiccup because the first pregnancy was “a by the books pregnancy” and then it failed.

“Give it a month and start trying again.” I’m pretty sure that you aren’t a doctor and if you are, you’re not my doctor. The body goes through a lot of stress just like after giving birth. Most doctors will tell a woman who has miscarried to wait at least 3 normal cycles. It took me 6 weeks to have my first period after miscarrying and who know if this next one will be in the standard 28 day cycle. If so, it will be almost December before we can start trying for a child again. Please stop assuming that pregnancy is that easy. Imagine your anxiety during the TTW (Two Week Wait) and multiple it by 17 weeks, that’s how long I have to wait to start trying, then image if it took a few months from there for it to “stick”. ITS NOT THAT EASY and its PRETTY FREAKEN SCARY.

Fourth Thought:

Here are some things that people have said to me that have helped:

“I’m sorry to hear this, I know you’ve wanted a family for awhile now and my heart breaks for you. You will certainly be in my prayers. Hugs” Thank You for comforting me, that goes a lot further than trying to say things to make me feel better.

“I know what you’re going through, this happened to me…” I found that I was able to relate and heal the most by hearing someone else’s story. It gives me HOPE when I hear that they’ve gone onto having healthy children.

“I can’t image what your going through but so and so had this happen to her, maybe you can reach out to her.” Again, connecting with people brought lots of healing to my heart. You are going to have to get out of that comfort zone and reach out but once you do you will feel much better.

Fifth Thought:

Some weeks are so much easier than others.

This last week I almost freaked on a student who made a snide comment about my not having kids yet. I had to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts and said, “How do you know if I don’t have kids by choice or not? I’m an adult that is married and you don’t know me well enough to make a comment like that.” She quickly stopped the insults and did her work the rest of the period.

That same day I had one of my pregnant seniors come in for our meeting. I pray for her a lot and wish her the best in life. It still took my breath away when I saw the tiny bump that was forming around her waist. She is also due in March… the same time I would’ve been.

I know that I am not quite healed all the way and that I absolutely have a fear of what the future will bring but I try and find strength in life’s possibilities. What I have learned is that talking about my miscarriage has helped. When {G} and I went back east for my brother’s wedding I worried about EVERYONE asking the haunting question. Instead at the end of our trip only one person asked and it was an old friend from college that we had bumped into. I have a feeling word got around the family about our miscarriage. I am happy it did. It was better that no one asked, poked, or prodded their way about our business. There were a lot less hurt feelings.

There are going to be days that I hurt seeing a baby announcement but it’s not because I’m not happy for you. I’ve actually held up VERY well around friends with babies. I see it as extra practice for all this down time I’m in at the moment. I know that I can no longer control what life gives me and so I will continue building my relationship with God and of course my amazing husband. I know deep in my heart I will someday be a mommy. I often struggle with whether it will be a baby I conceive or possibly one I may adopt but either way there is a plan…

God has one for us all.

 

Below are a few post about miscarriage that have helped me heal.

Hope After a Miscarriage 

My Miscarriage Experiences 

Why We Shouldn’t Have to Keep Pregnancy A Secret for the First Trimester

My Miscarriage – The Story I keep Telling

Espresso and Crème – Infertility and Miscarriage

4 comments:

  1. Your thoughts totally make sense. I feel the same way about not asking people when they'll start their family. Your advice is helpful to all.

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  2. Ah, the things people said after my miscarriage... I could write a whole post on that.

    Very insightful thoughts regarding your other mentions. Even having gone through a miscarriage, it never occurred to me that asking someone when they were planning on having kids could be painful. I'll definitely remember that one.

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  3. I thought I'd share my story with you as well. I've mentioned it before and you obviously agree...but it is weirdly comforting when you read/hear about someone else's experience. Something about not being alone during a crisis is comforting.

    http://wildandwanderful.blogspot.com/2012/08/surviving-loss_22.html

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  4. This has been so insightful and I'm glad that you wrote it..all of it. I still can't wrap my head around how hard this all must be for you and I hope that writing about it has comforted you in some way. I thank you for sharing your story and even pointing out good and bad things to say. It can be hard wanting so badly to help ease someone's pain but not knowing what words may actually hurt.

    Not sure if you have heard of this, but yesterday was "Remembering Our Babies" day, http://www.october15th.com/
    Although you didn't get to meet this baby in the natural life, your heart did and you'll never forget that.

    ReplyDelete

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